ARE YOU ULTRA INDEPENDENT?

I had my daughter when I was 21, a year later I kicked her father out and decided I was better off to do it on my own because up until that point it felt like I was on my own anyways.

Emotionally I was on my own even when I was in the relationship, I blamed him for not trying, not communicating, not being there enough. I blamed him for not being what I needed….however I was playing just as much of a role in the crumbling of the relationship as he was.

I was doing it all on my own because unconsciously I was choosing to do it on my own.

I wouldn’t let him in.
I wouldn’t let anyone in.
There was a bullet proof wall built up around my heart that no one could dismantle.

I had decided long before our relationship that I needed to do it all on my own because at a young age I decided ‘men leave’ and in some ways I was right - some men did leave in my experience. My father had an affair and left my mom, I decided in that moment that men leave and that created a lens that I was seeing the world through. It created a survival mechanism that I couldn’t rely on men, that I was safer to just do it on my own. To be ultra independent and only rely on the women in my life. My mom and my sister.

This belief that men leave was mirrored to me in all of my relationships, the amount of times that I heard you’ll never find what you’re looking for is multiple. The men saying I would never find what I was looking for were right. I never would find what I was looking for because I was not open to receiving it.

My survival instinct had shut down any possibility of me receiving it as a response to the trauma I had experienced, as a way to keep me safe.

In my conscious reality I whole heartedly wanted a relationship.
In my subconscious, in my belief systems & my nervous system I whole heartedly had decided it’s not safe to have a relationship. It’s not happening.

I was in an inner war with myself.
My conscious mind & subconscious were not in sync.
The belief that men leave was my truth.

Is it true that all men leave?

No. Not at all and through the inner work I was able to re-write and negotiate the belief system so that my subconscious is on board and I can allow men to support me. I can invite them in. I can let go and surrender & not be in a state of constriction where I am subconsciously forcing myself to do it all myself.

I can feel safe & held, I can allow myself to be supported.

Where are you in an inner war with yourself? Wanting one thing however subconsciously rejecting it?

Often times in our day to day state we are wanting one thing however our subconscious mind fears that exact thing that we are calling in…..it’s an internal battle that can’t be won without diving in and dissecting the belief systems that are creating the lens you are seeing the world through.

Unraveling your foundation and forming a new one.